Wanna know what's uncomfortable for me? This post. It's going to be different than my usual writings. It's less about being an empath and more just about being a lost and hurting human. My opinion in the current climate is not a popular one. The Lord has made it very clear to me for some time now that He wants me to write this and that He is going to use my story to heal people and set them free. He also healed set me free. Free from what you ask? Countless things. If You have been following my blog you know that I haven't had an easy life. Harder than most, but not nearly as bad as some. As I have grown closer to the Lord over the years and he has changed my heart and my mind in ways I never would have thought possible. No one brain washed me into thinking like this, and no one beat me into submission. God's love simply changed my heart and my mind. Tonight I want to share with you how God delivered me from homosexuality/ bi-sexuality.
I was considered to be a "tom boy" growing up. I didn't always dress feminine or get into girly things. Sure, I played Barbies with my sisters and make up with the neighborhood girls but I also liked to climb trees and toss around a football. After my dad died from brain cancer when I was 8, I decided that as the oldest child I needed to step up and become the man of the house. (So to speak) I started dressing more like a boy and even briefly convinced a few people that I was. There was a day when two of my sister's classmates saw my sister and I walking in our neighborhood and they thought I was her boyfriend. (we were probably 10 and 11 at the time) I was good at fixing stuff, like my dad was, and had always been very interested in science and how things worked. I still am actually. I think about that now and I can't fathom how messed up in the head I would be if someone took my 9-10 year old self aside and tried to convince me that I was actually a boy trapped in a girl's body! They didn't do that where I'm from in the 80's and early 90's! I sometimes wished I had been born a boy, but being in the wrong body never even occurred to me. Thankfully. That started to change along with my body as I got older and I discovered that I really liked boys and I was cool with them liking me. A little too much you might say. I became promiscuous at an insanely early age and had my first child at 14. Chalk it up to the fatherless young girl looking for love in all the wrong places syndrome if you like. Honestly, I'm sure that did have something to do with it.
Apparently, I just liked sex altogether because I found myself being attracted to girls too. From junior high up through high school I flirted with, dated and slept with several girls and boys. High school is when my life kind of imploded. My mom was buying me and my friends alcohol and drugs when I was in jr. high. Even as it was happening I thought to myself, "I can't believe she is doing this! I will NEVER do this with my kids!" I was appalled but enjoyed the ride because it made me feel like I was being treated as an adult. Still to this day, none of my kids have ever seen me drunk. My oldest is 23 and she will even attest to that. My mom eventually got into harder drugs and my sisters and I went into foster care. They let me keep my daughter with me though. But that is a story for another post.
Let me back up a little. I had been raised in a Lutheran church from an infant. My sisters and I were all baptized there. My mother and my grandmother are both spirit filled and both speak in tongues. Up until I was about 11 we went to church just about every Sunday and I was raised in a good Christian home. ("Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6) In fact, my mother laid hands on me and prayed for me to receive the gift of speaking in tongues, and I did around age 11. I had a good foundation before things went awry. After that we only attended church on holidays, if that. As a teen, I knew what the Bible said about living the way I was. I knew that sex before marriage and same sex relationships were frowned upon. And I felt bad when confronted with that fact, but I turned away from it because I was having too much fun. Or so I thought...
I started going back to church around age 21. I had so many bad situations going on. Drugs, a horrible marriage, I had been homeless for a year and my life seemed bleak and hopeless. Something in me just knew I needed God. In the middle of my mess I cried out to him. I started reading the Bible and attending a wonderful small charismatic church and many spiritual things started happening around then. My prayer language or gift of tongues went from two syllables to sounding like I was speaking a fluent foreign language. I attended a Todd Bentley conference and received the gift of healing. I devoured the word of God from the Bible and my relationship with God deepened tremendously. I was still a young christian though in my walk with God and still held many secular beliefs. Like believing that abortion was a good thing and that Gay couples should be allowed to marry (this was back in early 2000's. before it was legal.) I was also still finding myself attracted to women, but no longer desired a relationship with them.
The subject of sexuality had come up several times and I freely told people what I believed. I was grieved to know what the word of God said about it because I thought it was "normal". I had also started becoming aware of demons around this time. I saw and sensed them as a child but never understood what they were and was told it was "just my imagination" when I did see them.(Maybe you heard that too as a kid?) The more I heard that abortion was wrong and why and that same sex relationships were wrong in God's eyes and why, the more conflicted I felt. The Holy Spirit in me told me something wasn't right, even though my mind didn't see a problem with it. So one day while in prayer, I told God that if these things were truly wrong, then he would have to change my heart. My mind was set in believing that it couldn't be as bad as the preacher said. I can't recall the exact moment after praying that prayer that things began to change, but I remember noticing the difference. I started to look at beautiful women differently. I could see that they had beauty, but didn't have sexual thoughts about them. I would hear about abortion and felt sad for the life of the baby, instead of relief for the mother. I found myself being sad that these women thought that killing their children was the only way out of their situations. The lord started to show me how precious they were to Him and I lost my previous attraction to women at the same time
I told you this would be unpopular and uncomfortable.
Fast forward to today. I am married to an amazing man and the thought of being involved with women is the farthest thing from my mind. The Lord has truly reformed me. It didn't happen over night but, all it took, for me, was asking him to change my heart and allowing him the chance to do so. I understand that others feel they never had a choice on who they were attracted to and it might be easier for someone like me who was already attracted to the opposite sex to be changed. That may be true. But God's power is real and limitless. There are things not of this world that lie to so many in this day about who they are and what they should be. The Bible says that in the last days, people would call that which is good evil, and that which is evil, good. Don't believe the lies. Don't give into the hype.
If you are reading this right now and you have dealt with this in your life, I want you to know a few things. # 1. God loves you. He is as real as you and me and He loves you more than it is possible for a human to love another human. # 2. It is not a coincidence that you found this post. There are no coincidences. This is a divine appointment. It means God knew you would see this and find it interesting for whatever reason. # 3, refer back to #1. Yes God loves you. Regardless from what anyone else may have told you, He loves you. He loves you so much that he doesn't want you to continue to live in sin. He sent Jesus, the only child he has to be beaten and die a horrific death to pay the price for your sins and mine on the cross. He loves YOU, but he doesn't love your sin. God has the power to change even the hardest of hearts and nothing is impossible for him. He still raises the dead even today. He still heals the blind eyes and deaf ears. He still speaks through His people and moves in power. Give Him a chance today. This is my story. What will yours be?
Until next time my friends.
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